Episode #26: How I Overperformed In My Past Relationships

Confession: I was going to do a podcast about some of the bad habits I’ve had in previous relationships. But when I started to make my list, I realized that a LOT of them fall under one category: overperforming.

Overperforming is a little different than people-pleasing, but it can be just as toxic–especially if you’re an anxious attachment style like me!

Today I’m explaining exactly what overperforming is, and sharing some specific examples from my own life as well as how I plan to change in the future!

In This Episode:

Find out what overperforming is and how it’s different from people-pleasing
Hear two different ways I’ve overperformed in my past romantic relationships
Find out the action steps I’m taking to change
Much more!

Listen Here:

How I Overperformed In My Past Relationships | Episode #26 Transcript

Hello, Gorgeous, and welcome back to the Self-Worth Project podcast. It’s your girl, Jenn. I’m a coach, hypnotist, and healer, and this podcast is here to help you ditch your old limiting beliefs, ditch the anxiety, ditch the “good girl” programming, and become that fierce body that you’ve always wanted to be.

Today, we are going to talk about something I have been mulling over for a little while. Initially, I planned to discuss the important lessons I’ve learned in relationships and what I plan to do differently in my future romantic relationships. However, as I reflected on this, I realized that most of these insights fall under one category: overperforming.

I have some other topics related to relationships that I might touch on in future episodes, but today, we will focus on overperforming. At first, these issues seemed distinct, but the more I considered them, the more I saw how overperforming has been a recurring theme in my life. And if it has been for me, perhaps it has been for you too.

I tend to speak to women who are working on building their self-confidence, dealing with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxious attachment styles. These are challenges I have struggled with myself, often rooted in social conditioning and the pressures of living in a patriarchal world. Part of the healing process is recognizing that these behaviors are not beneficial for us and that we can choose to act differently.

Today, I want to discuss overperforming as it relates to dating and romantic relationships. However, these principles apply to various aspects of life. Overperforming can occur at work, in friendships, or with children. It all stems from the same place.

So let’s start by exploring why we overperform in the first place. Overperforming often means doing things to make others happy, which is a form of people-pleasing. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re overperforming. It’s a deeply ingrained behavior, and we might not know there’s another way to be. But who benefits from us overperforming all the time?

Overperforming is any action rooted in people-pleasing, but it goes beyond just that. It comes from a feeling that we are not good enough as we are, so we must do more to be liked, loved, or approved of. People-pleasing can manifest as always saying yes, volunteering, and stepping up, which can become toxic when we perpetually abandon our own needs.

Realizing this is crucial. If we consistently put others first, we put ourselves last. While it’s not about never helping others, we need to recognize our own needs and create space for them. The exception is if you have children, where caregiving is necessary. In adult relationships, however, this dynamic needs adjustment.

In the workplace, overperforming might come from a fear that simply doing our job isn’t enough. This behavior differs from people-pleasing, as it involves going above and beyond, not just doing favors but also in how we present ourselves.

One way I overperformed in past relationships was by trying to be the social glue, always entertaining and making things fun. While having fun in a relationship is important, doing it to pick up the slack for a less engaged partner was problematic and exhausting.

Another way I overperformed was by being the fixer. I loved helping, coaching, and giving advice. While helping others isn’t inherently bad, feeling obligated to fix someone’s problems indicates insecurity. This dynamic can also affect the relationship negatively, especially if it leads to a mothering role, which isn’t attractive or healthy.

Moving forward, I vow to stop overperforming in these ways. I will work on being myself without feeling the need to entertain or fix others. This will involve allowing space for others to handle their own issues and stepping away from the role of constant helper.

I hope this episode has been illuminating for you. If you have struggled with people-pleasing or perfectionism, consider how you might have been overperforming in your relationships. Identifying these behaviors can lead to healthier dynamics and a better understanding of yourself.

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment styles or relationship communication, join my Healed program. It offers tools like courses on attachment styles and non-violent communication to help improve your relationships.

Thank you for joining me this week. Have a beautiful week, and I’ll see you in the next episode.