Episode #34: Say The Damn Thing

Are you holding back from asking for what you want (or need)? Or do you feel that sharing your truth is the most difficult damn thing in the world?

Then today’s episode is for you!

Today we’re giving you a self-love and communication tune-up with a very powerful reminder: a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. Use this knowledge bomb as a reminder of the power to speak up for yourself–and maybe even actually get what you want!

In This Episode:

Find out my biggest communication inspo recently!
Learn three ways to apply speaking up for yourself to transform your life
Get inspired to open your third chakra and transform your life!
Much more!

Listen Here:

Say The Damn Thing | Episode #34 Transcript

Hello, beautiful and welcome back to another episode of the Self Worth Project podcast.
It’s your girl Jenn, I’m a coach and healer and this podcast is designed to help uplift
and deeply shift you from the inside out.
Today we are talking about one little tiny piece of advice that I just want to remind you,
especially if you are a people pleaser, a perfectionist, an empath, a codependent, any of the above,
I think this episode is really going to help you to see things in a slightly different light.
And you know, sometimes we get stuck in a certain mindset and we are so used to being
in that mindset that we don’t remember what it would be like on the other side.
So my aim for this episode today is to help you to see the other side of a behavior that
maybe you didn’t even know that you had.
So the little sentence, the little piece of advice that I want to talk about today is
this, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
Sometimes you come across these sayings, these quotes and they are just so succinct and
just explain something really deep in such a profound and simple and powerful way.
And that is exactly how I felt when I first heard this quote last week a couple of weeks
ago.
So I want to get into it a little bit today.
A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
Of course, we can see that very visually.
We can see a mouth that is hungry, that is not getting fed.
This analogy is really simple to understand, but I want to break it down into three more
parts to see how this might apply to your life.
So number one, your partner, your friends, your boss, whoever it is in your life, the important
people in your life, the people that you’re around the most.
They can’t give you what you want unless you tell them, okay, sometimes maybe they are
giving you what you want without you telling them, but many times they don’t know what you
want.
So they have no way of giving that to you.
I can tell you this as somebody who definitely has had this behavior in past romantic relationships,
it really sucks to be in that position because everything seems so logical in your head.
It’s like, I really want this person to text me more often.
I really want them to call me more often.
I really want them to do this more often, but they’re not doing that.
And you think that you’re pouting and you’re being upset and you’re making faces or whatever
is getting the point across, but it’s not getting the point across at all.
Those kind of passive aggressive ways that especially women are conditioned to use because
we’re not conditioned to actually ask for what we want.
So that’s how the passive aggressiveness comes out because that’s the only way we can feel
that we’re able to express something.
But that just doesn’t set anybody up for a good time, right?
Like we don’t feel good when we are in that position.
Also, of course, our partner will start to resent us over time.
It’s like, why is this person upset?
Why aren’t they telling me what they want?
Why are they doing this?
And nothing is clear.
That lack of clarity and especially with this passive aggressive behavior or pouting or
whatever it is, it’s just not a good healthy dynamic, especially for romantic relationships,
but for any relationship in your life.
So I want you to just think about how that might be applying to your life because like I
said, I have been there.
I like to think that I’m not there anymore.
Hopefully that I can see that now and work my way out of it, but this lack of communication
or just assuming that people will figure something out or give me what I want without me
saying it, that was something that I just thought that’s how life should work.
I just thought people should know me.
If they know me, they should know what I want, right?
And unfortunately, that just isn’t the case.
And the reason for that has nothing to do with you, right?
Like we all have different backgrounds.
We all come from different places and we all have different priorities.
And even the people that we think we know the most, they can still surprise us.
We don’t know always what motivates somebody and therefore we don’t know really what they
want.
We don’t know what they need.
And it just makes life a lot easier when we can just simply state it without drama, without
expectation, et cetera, okay?
So I just want you to think about that.
Like very strong person, we don’t play mind games.
We don’t say one thing when we actually want something else and play this little game
of like, I hope you figure it out.
I’m going to tell you the wrong thing and hope you do the right thing.
No, we’re not doing that.
We’re not going to expect them to just figure it out themselves when they’re obviously not
getting it or struggling, right?
The most important things are worth saying.
And if there’s something that’s really bothering you and weighing on you to the point where
you’re pouting or playing passive aggressive games, it’s probably worth saying that out loud.
So the caveat here, of course, is like, of course, you can say something to somebody, you
can state your needs, you can state your desires.
That doesn’t always mean that the other person is going to come and meet them, but at least
you will have put it out there, right?
That puts the game into a slightly different place, right?
If you are just expecting and hoping and praying, someone will just figure out what you want
and the other person is getting frustrated, like you are part of that unhappy dynamic, right?
You are part of that poor communication equation.
You are the source of that.
But if you are saying something like, hey, I want you to text me more often and the other
person isn’t doing it, it’s like, okay, you have put it out there.
You have made your needs or your desires clear.
And if the other person isn’t able or willing to meet you there, well, that is
a different problem, right?
It’s not the poor communication fuzziness, fuzzy boundaries problem.
That is, hey, maybe this person doesn’t like me or respect me or love me the way that
I want them to, right?
So that can really shine a light on what the actual problem is in your relationship, whereas
if you are hiding behind a wall of not being clear, not saying what you want and you’re
getting upset about not getting your needs met, like that is just a really difficult game
to play for the other person.
And that’s actually your stuff.
It’s you not being clear is you not giving them a way to play with you, right?
You’re not setting the relationship up for success without clarity.
Okay, so that was a point number one.
Point number two is that a close month doesn’t get fed.
It is just important for you in general to talk about what you want.
So we just talked about clarity and being very specific and asking for what you want and
just putting your expectations out there, right?
Like that is hugely important.
That is why I’m leading with this.
So the second point is secondary to that, but I want it to bring it up anyways.
There’s such thing as direct communication and also indirect communication.
You can communicate a lot about what you want and expect through indirect communication.
For example, if you’re getting into a relationship with somebody and you know, you’re not at
that point where you’re asking that person to commit to you, you’re just getting to know
them, but you can in that point talk about the fact that you are looking for a commitment.
You can start to put these things out there.
You can start to plant the seeds about the things that you want.
So this is a different style of communication.
Again, let’s rely on being direct first, but you can also start to plant these seeds.
You can use indirect communication to tell people what you want, to communicate what you
want.
Another example of this might be that you really want your boyfriend to buy you flowers
on your birthday.
So maybe a way of indirectly communicating that is talking about another time that you
got flowers from him on your birthday or showing him an example of somebody getting flowers
on their birthday results are not guaranteed with this, but the fact that you are bringing
it up, the fact that you were talking about it, the fact that this is happening, like you
are putting it into the air, you are putting your words and your energy behind it, that is
going to make it a lot more likely to happen.
Again, there’s two styles of communication here, direct, that is one we really need to
say something, something is really important.
We’re going to directly ask for it.
There is also indirect communication where you can start to plant, hence put things out
there and start to make your expectations clear.
Again, there is no guarantee that either of these methods are going to get your needs met,
especially in the second one, I know so many people, for example, who have gone out into
the dating world, who have told their potential partner that I am looking for a relationship
and only to have that person like six weeks later be like, okay, yeah, I’m not looking for
a relationship right now.
So sometimes people are going to ignore what you say, people are not going to get the
message.
Because they are just going to act out of their own selfish desires anyway, even though they
definitely heard you, we cannot control what the other people are doing, but we can start
to paint a picture of who we are, of what we want, of what our expectations are, of what
our standards are.
You can do this in, again, the direct way and the indirect way.
Let’s face it, we don’t want to go direct, super direct all the time.
We don’t always just want to be telling people what to do all the time because that can
be a little bit icky.
But if somebody likes you, loves you, supports you, wants you in their life and you were talking
about your expectations most of the time, I think if they have your best interest in mind,
they are going to at least try to match them.
So this has a priming effect.
This is showing them what you want.
It’s going to help over time to create that in your life.
Like the more you talk about it, the more chances of it actually happening, right?
There’s much more of a chance of this actually happening for you if you start to talk about
it, if you start to make it clear.
Whereas again, if we hide what we want, if we pretend we’re the cool girl, we don’t have
means or whatever, you are probably not going to get what you want.
And that is because your closed mouth isn’t getting fed, okay?
So the third point that I wanted to talk about today, closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
This one is more of a tip for the business, success, money, career, environment, and that
is don’t be afraid to own your achievements.
So the first point still applies here, you are still going to be direct if you want a
raise, if you want a promotion, if you want whatever, I really highly encourage you to
talk to your boss, talk to the manager, talk to whoever, and at least start to grease
the wheels to make that happen.
But in the meantime, I want you to start talking about yourself, talking about your achievements,
talking about how amazing you are, talking about how you did this and did that.
And you don’t have to do this.
I think people are afraid to do this because we have this collective fear of being that
person who likes themselves too much, who loves themselves too much, especially for women.
Again, we have this fear of putting ourselves out there, but there is a big difference between
lording that over somebody or thinking that makes you better than them and just owning
the fact that you did it.
So it is very possible for you to talk about what you’ve done, who you are, the things
you can accomplish, the schooling you’ve had, whatever.
It’s very possible for you to talk about those things in normal conversation, like work
conversation, without coming across as somebody with a big head, somebody who is narcissistic,
somebody with a big ego.
This is a skill that is so essential for business and women really are at a disadvantage here
because we are taught systematically to put other people first and to make our needs and
our desires and our wants small.
Again, a closed mouth does not get fed.
So we are going to start to put in the work.
We are going to start to talk.
Talking is your power.
Talking for me has been one of the most healing things I’ve ever done for myself.
This is more of a general tip for you guys, but when I was in the end of my marriage and
things were not going well and I just really felt sad, I really felt unhappy and I really felt
trapped maybe for like the last year or so of that marriage, I literally had dreams where
I was screaming and screaming and screaming in my dream and nothing was coming out.
I feel like that is such a sign.
I’ve been blocked, throat chakra and I can tell you that now as I’ve built my business
and done all this work on myself, expression is one of my powers.
When I’m expressing myself, I’m usually in my power and I know I still have work to do
on this.
I definitely still have work to do on this.
Not 100% perfect, not that I will ever be, but expression talking about myself, talking
about my truth.
This has been a tool from my expansion and I think this can be a tool for your expansion
as well.
So an open mouth gets to talk about the things that they want and open mouth gets to talk
themselves up to own themselves to talk about their truth, to become a shining light, to
become a leader.
That is what you can do when you stop bottling up all of that magic.
You’ve been systemically taught to hide, to not own, to put away in a box.
It is time to bring that out there because it is time for you to get a fed baby.
And whether that is in your romantic relationships, your friendships or in your career, the more
you start to talk, the more magic you bring into your life, I strongly, strongly believe
that.
The irony of me telling you this via podcast is not lost on me.
Okay, so that is it for my little short and sweet episode of this week.
I have been through it this week, you guys.
I have been through it in my flat here.
It has been quite an adventure.
I don’t think I’m going to finish sharing because I don’t think this adventure is done yet.
But let me just say I have had a time.
I wasn’t even sure I could record this podcast for you today.
So the fact that this is here and I’m putting out to you guys is a victory in itself.
I hope you guys are having an amazing week.
If you want to learn more about working with me, I invite you to join my Healed Program,
which I will leave linked in the show notes.
And I will catch you back here in next week’s episode.