How To Decenter Men

Are you constantly caught up in the whirlwind of romantic fantasies? Do you find yourself seeking validation and fulfillment in men? Tired of feeling incomplete without a man by your side?

It’s time to break free from this cycle and prioritize your own well-being. Decentering men is a powerful practice that can help you reclaim your agency and live a fulfilling life on your own terms.

Perhaps you’ve endured a series of toxic relationships and you’re exhausted. Or perhaps recent geopolitical events have inspired you. Whatever the case, welcome to a new era of consciousness that’s all about decentering men and embracing the 4B movement.

What Is The Decentering Men Movement?

Decentering men is a feminist practice that aims to challenge the male-centered perspective that dominates society. It involves shifting focus away from men’s experiences and needs, and instead prioritizing women’s voices and perspectives.

However, contrary to what some will say, decentering men isn’t about hating men or rejecting relationships. It’s about recognizing the pervasive male-centric perspective in our society and consciously choosing to prioritize your own needs and desires instead. It’s about acknowledging that your happiness and worth are not dependent on a man’s approval and creating your own fairytale ending, by you and for you.

What Is The 4B Movement?

The 4B movement is a decentering men movement that originated in South Korea. It’s a specific philosophy of decentering of men and represents a powerful stance against gender inequality.

The term “4B” is derived from four Korean words beginning with “bi,” each signifying a refusal.

1. No dates with men (biyeonae)
2. No sex with men (bisekseu)
3. No marriage to men (bihon)
4. No pregnancy/children with men (bichulsan)

This movement aims to liberate women from societal pressures and patriarchal structures that often limit their choices and perpetuate gender-based discrimination.

Is Decentering Men 4B?

No, decentering men is not necessarily 4B nor is 4B the only way to decenter men. 4B is only one philosophy. (There’s also 5B and 6B movements.)

However, I suggest figuring out what feels aligned for you. In my world. decentering men is not about following any strict dogma but instead about learning how to prioritize your own safety, health, and happiness.

How To Decenter Men

I encourage you to take any steps you’re comfortable with to deprioritize men in your life. Please keep in mind that this list is far from exhaustive. You can start with only one point and work up. Or you can go even farther than these suggestions. Every little bit counts!

Stop Dating Men

The biggest step in decentering men is to not make them a priority in your life.

I get it though. This one’s difficult. Women are literally programmed to think they’re not happy or successful unless they’re in a relationship. But that’s BS. It’s toxic and it’s untrue.

However, it wasn’t until I got out of this line of thinking that I could see how strong it is. But now I can see it in the way some friends and my family talk.

Truth is: your happiness should not be dependent on another person. Full stop. Think about it this way: what if you did find that person and they day after you got married they got hit by a bus? What if you did find them and they died of cancer? Do those things means that you suddenly become less worthy as a person? Of course, not.

Your worthiness exists no matter what. So we must learn how to define that worth without hinging it on a partnership. It’s simply unhealthy to think you have to have a partner to be fulfilled, happy, successful, etc.

But when you’re drinking the heteronormative kool aid, it’s hard. You can’t simply see how toxic this belief is until you get out of it. But I promise you, life is a lot easier on the other side.

Don’t let yourself feel incomplete for not dating or being in a relationship. Cultivate a new set of friends who can talk about more than their partner. (Honestly, this was a difficult part of the process.) Get excited about your life and your interests.

Stop Having Sex With Men

This one is very similar to the above point. However, I almost hesitated to include this one for fear of it coming from a slut shaming standpoint. So I’ll leave it at this: look up the orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships to see the reality here. If you do decide to have sex, demand orgasm equality, safe sex, and perhaps even partners that do not watch p*rn.

Question Gender Roles and Stereotypes

When you see gender stereotypes in action, question them. This is easier when it comes to our own life. However, it’s also helpful to point them out when you notice them in the world around you.

For example, there’s no good reason to let your mother shoulder the burden of cooking for a large family dinner. Question why the men feel entitled to kick back without helping. There’s no need to start a fight about it (although sometimes that is warranted to. But calling out this invisible expectation can help other people to see how they benefit from the patriarchy. (If you don’t feel like it’s your job to educate people on this topic, that’s also a valid choice!)

Redefine Happiness / Stop Thinking Marriage Is The Goal

One of the hardest things for me personally was to break up with the Cinderella rom-com romance fantasy. Look, I get it. I still get charmed by that stuff on occasion. (Nobody Wants This on Netflix recently got me.) But I make sure to have a little mental sit-down talk with myself afterwards.

The more you watch that stuff, the more you put just the idea of a relationship on a pedestal, the more you think that you can’t be happy without one. Not to mention, the more you think that this should be your number one priority (because omg everyone else found love, so why can’t I do it too?).

But it’s time for a dose of reality. We saw the election results. We know 75% of American men are Republicans. (#notallmen right? But we can clearly see it’s the majority of them.)

Unfortunately, that means the odds of finding a supportive and equitable partnership is unlikely. Most men don’t want equality. They want access to your body. They want free cooking, cleaning, and health care. They need someone to lighten the burden of capitalism.

But a woman cannot feel happy with a narcissist. She cannot feel happy while being suppressed.

I get that it seems like “everyone is in a relationship” or “all relationships are happy”. But those things simply aren’t true. A lot of people you know are in unhappy relationships, out of family or societal pressure or because of the fear of being alone.

Truthfully, I used to feel sad that I would never have a relationship like my parents relationship. But then I realized I didn’t want that relationship. And I never did! In fact, there are very few people who have a happy healthy relationship that I actually envy.

Personally, I’ll hold out for one of those and if it doesn’t come that’s okay too. Because otherwise, for me, it’s simply not worth it. It’s something every woman must look at realistically and decide on for themselves.

Stop Performing For Men

You might not think you perform for men at all. But is that really true? Let’s put it to the test: stop dressing for them, stop worrying if you look sexy, stop thinking about the male gaze.

This one is also tricky but I put this one out there with a caveat. Personally, I don’t dress for the boys. I never have and in fact it used to drive me insane when my ex-husband would dare to criticize my wardrobe choices. I think a lot of women are like me and dress for the girlies. (As they’ve pointed out on TikTok recently, go look at a Pilates class and see how women are dressing up simply for themselves.)

I’ve simply never been that girl who’s looking around the cafe to see who’s looking at them and in fact, I feel awkward around that attention in general. But I know a lot of people are that way and no judgment there, if you are. This is just my gentle reminder that you don’t have to act this way. You can feel good about yourself based on your own beliefs. You don’t need flirtations, compliments, Instagram likes, or any other external sources of validation to feel that way. Hotness is a mindset not a state of being bestowed on you from an outside pair of eyes.

You don’t have to shave. You don’t have to wear makeup. You don’t have to dress “sexy” or lose weight or look 25 forever. Again, you are more than allowed to do any of these things because you want to. But don’t tell yourself you have to in order to keep up or “not let yourself go” or whatever other nonsense you’ve been taught to believe.

Prioritize Yourself

This sounds so basic that you might be rolling your eyes at it. But it’s true. Again, it’s not until you break up with the idea of pursuing romance at all hours of the day that you can see how much free time you suddenly have.

So what are you going to do with it? For me, I run several blogs in addition to my main one. I go to galleries and I put all of that on TikTok. I have a lot of friends but I also continue to grow my community and friendships and seek out more like-minded people. I am truly busy being me and doing the things that I love to do and that’s what I suggest everyone do, no matter what. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not sitting around crying into my cornflakes. And you won’t be either.

Change Your Media Consumption

The media you take in contributes a lot to your mindset. It’s not that you have to completely change everything. But you do have to become a lot more conscious about it.

Think rom-coms or even shows like The Bachelor. If you lived and breathed love before, it’s time to go cold turkey.

Stop watching anything overly focused on love and romance. Stop reading books about it. Stop watching shows that tell you you need to compete for love. This doesn’t have to be forever but it’s imperative to take a break and stop the perpetual romantic fantasy in your mind.

These things feed us many toxic ideas: thinking there’s one perfect person out there for you or thinking that love is a prize you have to compete for. (To name just a few.) All of it just dangles a carrot in front of you that encourages you to keep going. However, the prize doesn’t exist. Romantic love is a myth.

It’s possible that one day you’ll be able to go back to consuming this content with a healthier mindset. But in the beginning, it’s best to change this habit and concentrate on something else.

While we’re at it, now is also a good idea to break up with podcasts hosted by men, books written by men, or basically anything that actively upholds the patriarchy. (Sadly, this is almost everything.) Of course, this is easier said than done but if you could try even just a month of female, BIPOC or LGBQT-created content you might just feel a lot better.

Stop Doing Performing Labor For Men (Including Emotional Labor)

I used to work in an office and I was absolutely floored by the amount of grown-ass adults (mostly men) expecting someone (me) to do their dishes for them. Even though that was a long time ago, I still see so much of that today, especially when it comes to emotional labor.

Truthfully, I have a Miss FixIt type of personality. It’s part of my anxious attachment and these days I’m well aware of it. But I wanted to always be the person to help someone figure something out, especially for my romantic partners. However, that behavior was not always reciprocated or even recognized. Meaning: a lot of my own precious time and energy down the drain.

For my own sanity, I’ve put the brakes on this behavior entirely except for an extremely small handful of people. It’s still nice to do things for other people from time to time, just as long as it’s coming from a genuine place not a place of obligation. Again, for me many times this behavior comes from my own programmed desire to jump in and help. But I’ve gotten good at seeing the difference.

I’m not planning someone’s party, making the reservation, giving someone directions that I have to look up, telling someone to go to the doctor, or trying to coerce anyone into doing anything. This goes doubly so if someone is actually asking or expecting me to do something. (I once had a male friend ask me how to cook a turkey. I’m a vegetarian and no, you can Google that yourself.)

Just note that the problem won’t magically be fixed if you stop doing this. People will still ask. And over time, you can train the people in your life to expect this.

However, it’s still important to change this dynamic. It’s only after you notice that someone is expecting or asking you to do something that isn’t actually your job that you’ll be more likely to set a boundary and say no.

PS – Emotional labor also includes smiling when you don’t want to, laughing at dumb jokes, listening politely to boring stories, and not saying anything to sexist/racist comments, or playing nice with any behavior. You don’t have to calm them down when they’re angry or upset. You don’t have to clean up their dishes or do their laundry or cook them dinner.

Find Like-Minded Female Friends

One of the best tools in the decentering men protocol is finding like-minded friends. This is better in real life, however, that’s not always possible. Even though you’re ready to take this journey, that doesn’t mean everyone else you know will be. And that’s okay! It’s not your job to convert anyone although sharing your thought process should always be okay.

However, community is helpful. Find places online that support your journey. Find other like-minded people online. Share where you’re at or what you’re struggling with. (Or don’t! Maybe you’ve seen the mobs of incels online and want to keep it to yourself. That’s valid too.) While not everyone will join you on this mission, you might just find a few like-minded souls along the way.

Note: Please be gentle with yourself on this journey! If you had a night (or month) where you caved into old habits, forgive yourself and move on. Remember, that you’re fighting a lifetime of inner programming. It can take some time to fully free yourself.

The Benefits of Decentering Men From Your Life

You Will Stop Waiting To Be Happy

You might have been programmed to think you can’t have a happy ending without marriage, kids and a white picket fence but that’s actually untrue. Decentering men gives you full permission to write your own happy ending. (Truthfully, you had that power the whole time but decentering men makes it extra clear.)

You Will Have Better Mental Health

Once you get used to it. leaving the dating world can reduce stress and anxiety associated with romantic expectations.

You Have More Free Time

Less time wondering why you got ghosted, perfecting your Hinge profile or dissecting your last break up? Yes please! You might just be as shocked as I was to learn how much mental and energetic real estate men were occupying in your life.

You feel better about yourself

Learning how to validate yourself and make yourself happy should have been your priority your whole life! However, better late than never. Leaving behind the need for external validation is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

My Journey With Decentering

The journey to decentering men is a highly personal one. Am I telling you that you have to follow all of these rules to the nth degree? Definitely not! I don’t believe there’s one right way to decenter men nor do I think you have to stick to one decentering men philosophy.

For example, you might want to go even harder than me cutting out male friendships. Or you might want to start small and take baby steps on your decentering men journey. Either way, I highly encourage you to figure out what feels best for you and know that you’re supported in any decision you make here.

On that note, have I 100% committed to not dating men forever? No. But my standards are different than before. I’m human! I go out and flirt on occasion. But it’s not my focus and definitely not my priority. But I’m still committed to the cause, despite this. I’m no longer letting societal pressure push me and I’ve done enough healing work on my anxious attachment style that I don’t feel compelled to get validation or approval from this avenue anymore.

Final Thoughts

Remember, decentering men is an ongoing process. It is a powerful tool for dismantling patriarchal structures and creating a more equitable society. However, it requires patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to challenge the status quo. By embracing your independence and prioritizing your own needs, you can truly live a life of freedom and fulfillment.