Episode #23: The Art of Detachment Will Save You

Episode #23: The Art of Detachment Will Save You

Do you suffer from over performing? Think: people-pleasing, codependency, perfectionism + more.

All of these things stem from low self-worth–and it’s time for you to get your worth back!

One of the BEST tools I’ve found for this is the art of detachment: not letting our emotions get the best of us and not letting ourselves jump in to “fix it” ESPECIALLY in dating or with people we don’t know very well.

If you suffer from any of these over-performing symptoms, this is the episode for you!

In This Episode:

  • Learn what detachment is & how it can save you from over-performing
  • Find out some concrete examples of when and HOW to detach
  • Stop over-performing & start claiming your own energy back
  • Much more!

Listen Here:

The Art of Detachment Will Save You | Episode # Transcript

Hello Gorgeous, welcome back to another episode of The Podcast. It’s your girl Jenn. I’m a hypnotist coach and healer and yet again I’m so excited to be here with you today. I really appreciate every single one of you who takes time out of their busy week to hang out here with me. It really means a lot.

Today we are diving into one of my favorite topics as of late, which is all about the art of
detachment. So I have covered this before from a manifestation point of view on my blog. You might have read some of those posts before if you’ve been with me for a long time, but today I want to talk about the art of detachment from a little bit of a different point of view. I want you to start to see detachment as a tool, a tool to help get you what you want in many areas of life, including your love life, your friendships, etc.

The way that I’m coming to this is because
over the last years I’ve done so much work especially on the sort of dating spectrum. Like I haven’t personally been out there dating that much, but I’ve been working a lot on attachment styles and anxious attachment, codependency, people pleasing, all of those things. Those are elements of myself that I know I’ve had in the past that I’ve done so much work on changing. And that is a big part of my message today.

I’m really trying to help people get back to secure attachment and to not feel like they need to fall into these traps like perfectionism and people pleasing in order to get other people to like them. All of that stuff roots from one cause and that is not feeling like you are enough. So anything that I can do to help you raise yourself worth as you might have guessed from the name of this podcast and my new site. That is what I’m here to help you do. And detachment is just another tool that is going to go in that toolbox and to help you move past those toxic old people pleasing patterns that you have probably fallen into in the past. So before I dive into the detachment part, let’s talk for a little bit about the people pleasing. And so I lump together anxious attachment, people pleasing, codependency, and paths and even perfectionism. All of these things go together in my book because they really have such a similar cause. In the end, they involve us over performing over exerting ourselves in order to try to get someone else to like us or love us.

And this is personally how many of my relationships in the past have gone horrifically wrong to put it mildly. I got into that position where I was giving giving giving giving giving giving and I was not getting nearly as much in return.

And since I’ve learned this about myself, of course, I can see it in the most major glaring example would be my marriage when I was in that relationship. I had this narcissistic partner and we’re not going to get into like that part of it. But the pattern was me over giving over doing things trying to make this person happy trying so, so, so hard to make somebody happy when we were already in a place where that was just not going to happen. And it’s only coming out of that
and looking backwards that I can see how toxic that was that I can see how I got pulled into this dynamic, but also that I put myself in that dynamic in the first place.

And that is the part we are trying to avoid because if you have been in those kind of soul sucking relationships, you come out the other side literally feeling like a shell of your former self. Like you gave and gave and gave and gave and you don’t even know who you are anymore because somewhere along the way, you started to focus more on this other person than on yourself. So when I’m talking about all of the stuff I’m talking about this from experience and because again, I’ve done so much work on myself to raise up myself worth to not play those games, those people pleasing games to not be the person chasing in the relationship and overperforming and trying to prove what I bring to the table. Like no. We are stopping all of that and we are learning how to manage our energy and to bring our power back to ourself.

One of the best tools that I personally found for this is the art of detachment. So in the past, somebody would tell me their trauma, their sub story, they would say something to me and part of me would immediately jump to attention. Like I want to jump in and save this. I want to become this person’s coach. I mean, not really a coach, but like it turns into that role in real life. I want to help them fix this problem. I want to help them do this. I want to help volunteer. I want to help blah blah blah blah blah. That was just my nature. And up until a few years ago that it was just what I let myself do. Like I would meet people and I would overextend myself. And I mean, I guess that just comes from me being a trusting person, a trusting person who wants to see
the best in people. But I would start to do things for people in relationships where they had not earned that yet. They had not earned that much from me. And of course, this just, if you are this type of person and you’re doing this for people, you just end up attracting in the wrong kind of people. You end up attracting in the exact people that are going to be bad for you. The people that are more than willing to take your energy and to take advantage of it, whether that’s consciously or unconsciously.

So we’re coming back to the idea of detachment. So now when I meet somebody and they start to tell me, you know, a little bit trauma dumping, they’re getting into it. They’re opening up a little bit even though we don’t know each other that well. For one thing these days, a lot of bell starts to go off. I start to notice what they’re doing. And you know, sometimes people do just want to tell you something because they feel comfortable with you. But many times these things are creating a false sense of intimacy. So they open up to you and you immediately feel like you have been brought into their world when you haven’t really been at all. They’re just putting a kind of honey trap out there to see if you’re going to go for it. And the only way that you can avoid falling into that trap is to keep that energy reserved and back and to not take the bait. Like that doesn’t mean be rude. That doesn’t mean say, well, too bad for you. That means you see them pulling you into this dynamic and you’re like, okay, yeah, I see you. And wow, that must have been really terrible. And you leave it at that. You don’t have to act like a robot. You don’t have to stop listening. You don’t have to say something rude. That is not what I’m saying at all.

But you are not going to jump in with all of your might trying to say something to make them feel better, trying to do something, offer them something, do them a favor, introduce them to somebody, whatever, whatever that thing is that you would have done in the past, the little boundary that you would have crossed before we are keeping our energy back. We are tucking that in. We are saving that energy for ourselves. We need that energy for ourselves. We need to keep a distance between us and our best interests and the people around us. And especially the people around us who we just met or we don’t know very well.

It is one thing to do favors for people that you know and you love, right? It is a beautiful thing to do something for somebody with no expectations in return. It is nice to do stuff for people when they are asking for help, need help, you step in to offer them that help. That is something that is a beautiful gift within friendship. But that is not what I’m talking about here. I am talking about this artificial intimacy, this being sucked into something by somebody you don’t know very well, by somebody maybe you just met or be me by somebody who you just don’t have that kind of relationship with. I just want you to realize how you would have behaved in the past and to see that reaction in your mind, but to keep yourself from actually doing it. So this is the hard part of first and it does get easier.

Trust me, you are going to still want to do that. You are still going to want to do your old patterns. You are going to want to be the helper, but you have to reign it in. You have to see them and not be that helper. And that is what I mean by detachment. You are not getting involved. We are detaching from the situation. So that is one way detachment can work. Another way detachment can work is when you are in dating in the dating world and you are getting to know somebody. I see so many people out there that get really upset. Like you went on this date and I thought it went really, really great. And then they ghosted me and you can tell that somebody is very, very upset because they expected a different outcome. They expected this person was going to follow up with them and maybe that person even said they were going to follow up with them, but they didn’t. Right? And I am talking about this within the first few dates. Like when you were really getting to know somebody, of course later down the line, they definitely should be telling you and not just ghosting you.

But in the beginning, when you literally just met somebody, especially if it’s somebody you met online, you really don’t know them at all. In the end, they don’t owe you anything, even if you had the best time ever, even if they said they were going to call you. Like this was one to two hours or however long the date was, that was, you know, a little tiny, tiny glimpse of who this
person is. We take it so seriously, we make it mean so much like I must be not their type. I must not be pretty enough. I must not be smart enough. I must not be funny enough.

When that probably isn’t it at all, we just need to take that a step back as well. Like we need a second, like why are you getting so upset for thinking that you got rejected? Like we take that just so, so personally. And you have to like just let it slide. Okay? We’re just keeping it moving. We’re letting it slide. It maybe is not the nicest thing to happen to you in the world. But at the end of the day, that is who this person is. And if they hung out with you and did not see how amazing you are, like there’s, there’s no match here. This was not your person. This was never going to be your person. Like just keep it moving. Let them go. We don’t need to psychoanalyze them. We don’t need to call them a narcissist.

We don’t need to do any of that. We can just let them walk and we can keep our head held high, not make it mean anything and keep going. That’s what I mean by detachment. We can also use detachment, like basically any situation where your ego is trying to get involved. When your ego is trying to make something out of nothing, like what if you could just make it mean nothing? Why do we have to make everything into such a big deal in our mind? Like somebody maybe even a friend that you’ve had for a long time, maybe they did something that disappoints you. Instead of going to that place that is like, I’m going to tell them they’re terrible that they betrayed me that they did this, that they did that. Why don’t you just withdraw your energy? And I don’t mean necessarily withdraw your energy forever, cut them out of your life, stop talking to them forever. But like just turn that energy off for a little while.

If this person forgets to meet you at the time they said they were going to meet you or whatever
it is, just cool the jets there for a moment. Let’s just not run after them, demanding an explanation. Let’s just not make plans with them for a while. Let’s just not try to get into an intimate conversation with them for a while. If that is the way they want to treat you, if that’s the box that they put you in, why not match that energy? Instead of trying to get to the bottom of it or calling them names behind their back or trying to make an ultimatum about it, why not just a detachment withdraw? Again, that doesn’t mean calling the names. It doesn’t mean starting world worth reate. It doesn’t mean any of that, but it just means letting it go, letting it roll off and just see what can happen.

Sometimes in relationships, I mean a lot of times in relationships I should say, like people know, people know when they have mistreated you and one of the best things you could ever possibly do for yourself is to change the way you are a little bit after that. You don’t need to confront them. I mean, confronting them maybe that’s appropriate depending on the situation. Of course, everything I’m saying here is not 100% applicable to everybody in every situation. You have to be an adult and think about what is best for you and your life, right? I cannot tell you exactly what to do in every situation. But sometimes if you just change that energy, shift that energy, you’re not running after them, you’re not giving them everything that they want and letting them walk all over you. They’re going to see it. They’re going to see the difference between you being the person who everyone takes advantage of and the person who has boundaries.

And if they value you, if they know who you are and what you were actually worth, they’re going to start to match that energy and to start to show up for you in a better way. Okay, this can all come from detachment that is just letting other people do their thing, whatever that might be, and not letting yourself get emotionally involved with it. We are not overperforming for people, especially people we don’t know, especially in the dating world. We are not letting something somebody quote unquote, did to you dictate how you feel about yourself. We are not letting people just run all over us without consequence. They are going to run all over you. If they’re going to do something to you that is really not great, you can set the boundary, you can tell them how you feel or withdraw your energy and see what shifts there. But you are not going to get in a not about it. You’re not going to make that turn that all into evidence that you are not that great of a person, right? We are going to detach. We are going to let ourselves stay neutral, stay calm, stay clear through this and we are not going to go down a shame spiral.

I mean, there’s a whole lot more I can talk about there about being triggered into shame. Shame comes from our childhood and it is so highly linked to trauma. But that is a whole huge topic unto itself. So for today, I want you to think about what I’ve said today. I want you to think about what your life could be like if you could just detach, detach emotionally.

Be a little bit cool. Just let people do their thing. We don’t need to run around asking for apologies from the people that go stood us. We’re just going to let them go away and we are not going to think about them ever again. We’re going to get on with life because there’s a lot more to life than that person, right? We are not going to overperform. We are going to reserve our energy. We are going to stay detached. We are going to move through life in a little bit more of a cool calm and collected fashion instead of letting our mind drag us into this drama, getting oh, so upset, getting oh, so worked up over silliness, like honestly silliness, right? When you look back on some of these situations in five or 10 years, you’re barely going to remember this person who goes to do, right? Like there’s going to be so much more amazing stuff in your life coming your way. Trust me, this situation will mean nothing to you in the long term. So I want you to think about that as well. If you need that little extra boost.

But for now, I’m going to leave it here. So that is it. Your new tool to help you work on yourself, or to help you protect yourself emotionally because really that’s what it’s about. We are not letting the world hurt our feelings. We are not putting our feelings first and we are definitely not letting other people’s actions or words define who we are because why would we do that? Why would we ever do that if we have another choice? And I’m telling you right now, there is another choice.

So that is it for today’s episode. Thank you so much for being here. My beautiful friend. If you would like to learn a more about me and my work, I would love for you to come over and check out my beautiful healed program where I’m giving you so many tools for reprogramming, self healing, manifestation and more. Honestly, there is so much good stuff in it. I’m probably going to be restructuring it and changing it
a bit in the future. So if you want to join us as the way it is right now, I’ll leave a link for that in the description. And other than that, I will catch you back here in next week’s episode. Have a beautiful week.

Jenn Stevens The Self-Worth Project

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Episode #23: The Art of Detachment Will Save You

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