How To Change Unwanted Behavior

Wondering how to change unwanted behavior?

I know what it’s like! Just feeling happy or confident can feel like a challenge. Deciding to change your life can be overwhelming.

You know you’re not happy. But perhaps you’re not really sure why.

You know something needs to change. And you keep looking around trying to figure out what that is.

Then you just get overwhelmed and either give up, or get stuck in the trying to decide phase.

Sound familiar?

To be fair, there are loads of healing modalities and tools available today. And most of them will serve you well in one way or another.

But if you’re feeling confused about where to begin, here’s something important that you should know.

When it comes to improving our lives, there are only two types of behavior we can change:

[color]Avoidance Behaviors + Compulsive Behaviors[/color]

Once you know the two types, it’s easier to clarify your focus and find the limiting beliefs that stand in your way.

Unwanted Behavior Types

Avoidance Behaviors

Be honest! Right now, as you’re reading this, there’s something you’re avoiding.

It might be something small–like avoiding putting your laundry away.

Or it might be something big.

Making an important phone call. Setting up your 401k. Applying for a new job.

Your intentions are probably solid. You know you want to do it. You think about it a lot.

But you just keep putting it off anyway.

On the surface, it looks like we’re simply avoiding the behavior.

But in reality, we’re avoiding the underlying feeling: fear, shame, anger, whatever.

We’re not aware of that of course. Instead, we’re much more likely to keep telling ourselves a story: I’ll do it tomorrow, when I feel better, when I have more time etc.

These excuses feel good because we get to go on avoiding what we fear. But they keep us stuck because guess what? You will never have more time, suddenly feel like, etc.

Compulsive Behaviors

The opposite of an avoidance behavior is a compulsive behavior. This is a behavior that we just can’t resist, no matter how many times we promise ourselves that we will.

Again, this can be about something supposedly “healthy” like working over time. Or perhaps it’s something bigger, like smoking or drinking.

I also call these behaviors buffering behaviors: you’re taking an action in order to avoid something.

Again, on the surface, it might look like we really like compulsive shopping, smoking, drinking, etc. But even these actions are about something deeper. Sure, we get a little buzz of dopamine or a moment of pleasure. But we’re also addressing our deeper need: to avoid feeling something.

One of the problems here is that the buzz never lasts as long as we want it to. As soon as we’re done, we feel the urge to start all over again. Again, that’s because it’s about more than the surface action.

Knowing these two types of behavior patterns can help you clarify exactly what you want to change. And knowing what you want to change is the first step to figuring out how change your behavior in a lasting way.

How To Change Unwanted Behaviors

The most important question is to ask yourself is: what am I really fearing here? What thought or emotion am I avoiding?

Dig down below the first level to see what you come up with.

Let yourself.

Embrace it without resistance. Even it’s shame! No emotion will kill you. Nothing is forever. In fact, resisting it is what makes it last longer because it wants to be felt.

Remind yourself that it’s just an emotion: “This is the feeling of my heart racing.” “This is the feeling of anger.” “This is just a feeling.”

Understand it’s just a vibration or sensation in your body.

Understand that everyone on the planet feels this at some point. Humans come with a Crayola box of emotions and we experience every last one.

Remind yourself that this feeling will pass.

Keep with it until you feel it shift. It will become lighter, brighter or less intense. This is how you know you’ve finished processing it.

Our behaviors aren’t always logical. Nor do they always reflect what we really want. But there’s also no need to shame yourself for them! Be gentle and loving with yourself first.

Feeling your feelings can seem like the most scary thing in the world. But when you really do it, it’s the most freeing thing you’ll ever do.