How To Set Boundaries

Wondering how exactly to set boundaries?

If you suffer from people-pleasing, anxious attachment style, or have ever called yourself an empath, this is the post for you!

Boundaries are essential for our mental well-being, healthy relationships and overall well-being. They define your limits, needs, and expectations which in turn creates a safe space for us emotionally, physically, and mentally.

However, when it comes to actually setting boundaries, things are not always so clear. Many people struggle to set any boundaries at all while others use boundaries incorrectly as a tool to try to control those around them.

But today we’re clearing all that up and giving you the tools to confidently and effectively set boundaries in your life!

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are figurative lines that establish what’s acceptable in our interactions with others. They encompass various aspects of our lives, including physical space, emotions, time, and possessions. Healthy boundaries help us feel respected, valued, and secure.

Types of Boundaries

Physical

These boundaries protect your body, personal space and privacy. Examples include setting preferences for greetings (hugs, handshakes) or requesting others to respect your workspace.

Sexual

Sexual boundaries define your comfort level with intimacy, from acceptable touches to communication during intimacy.

Emotional

Emotional boundaries protect your emotional well-being by managing how you share your feelings and with who, as well as how you handle the emotions of others.

Material

These boundaries set limits on borrowing or lending belongings or money, especially if you’re generous.

Time

Time boundaries manage your time for work, family, hobbies, and self-care by declining requests that don’t align with your priorities.

Examples Of Boundaries Being Crossed

If boundary work is new to you, it might be challenging to even think of a time when you need to set a boundary. Here are a few examples:

• Someone getting into your personal space (coming over unannounced, etc.)
• Someone who makes little negative comments or puts you down
• Someone who borrows money & never pays you back

Why It’s Hard To Set Boundaries

Struggling to set boundaries in your life? You’re not alone! Many people struggle with this skill, for a variety of reasons. Those might include:

• Codependency
• You fear conflict or disapproval
• Subconscious patterning. (ie. Your parents didn’t/couldn’t have boundaries)
• Anxious attachment style (worried people won’t like you if you set them)
• Raised by narcissistic parents (their needs mattered more than yours)
• You were shamed or punished if you said “no” or had needs as a child
• You were shown or told that your needs/feelings didn’t matter
• As a child, your boundaries were ignored and/or they get praise/love for the ignored boundary
• You got “good girl” messaging

Journal Prompts:

• Where did I pick up the fear of setting this boundary?
• When was I not allowed to set boundaries in my past?

5 Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries

• Feeling constantly taken advantage of (emotionally, financially, or physically).
• Difficulty saying “no” to please others, even at your own expense.
• Unmet needs due to fear of conflict.
• Feeling disrespected but unable to stand up for yourself.
• People-pleasing behavior to gain approval.
• Conversely, you have very rigid and high boundaries that you will never move

Why Boundaries Are Important

Boundaries aren’t here to control other people. Their one big job is to make you feel safe and secure. Boundaries prevent feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and being taken advantage of.

Healthy boundaries boost self-esteem and self-compassion by prioritizing your needs. This helps to reduce your anxiety, raise your self-worth, and create space for healthy relationships

Truth bomb: If your boundaries are being crossed, you’re not in a healthy relationship. Boundaries form the foundation for healthy relationships with yourself and others.

How to Set Boundaries

Validate Your Own Needs

The first most important step of this work is to feel safe advocating for your own needs. Needless to say, if you’ve spent a lifetime prioritizing everyone but yourself then this part will be difficult.

On the other hand, boundary setting becomes really simple when you feel confident to ask for what you need! So if it feels crazy that you could ever say no or set a boundary, start to do some internal healing work around your own self-worth. Just remember your needs are important and the people who love you will want to honor them!

Journal Prompts:

• Why do I feel unsafe/uncomfortable asking for my needs? Where and when did I learn to feel this way?

Identify What You Need (vs What You Want)

Get clear about what you need, in one particular situation and/or in your life in general. Reflect on what’s important to you and what makes you feel safe and comfortable.

Need more clarity? Start by writing down a bunch of things you want for yourself.

Then get clear: is this a preference or does it need a true boundary? Are you flexible about this or not? Does it truly make you feel unsafe or is it just uncomfortable? Most of us have a lot of preferences but only a few true boundaries.

Ask yourself these three questions to get even more clarity:

• Does this negatively impact your emotional or physical well-being?
• Does it make you feel small or not worthy?
• Do you feel like you’re being taken advantage of?

Don’t Manage Their Brain/Behavior

Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people. In fact, 99% of the time a true boundary is about getting someone else to not do something.

We all remember Jonah Hill’s spectacular boundary failure: asking his ex-girlfriend not to wear certain clothes or hang out with certain people. Just to be clear, that’s about control. Those things might make him uncomfortable but they’re not about his safety. It’s a preference, not a boundary.

Similarly, you must also resist the urge to manage their thoughts about you and this boundary. Of course, we’d all prefer everyone to love us no matter what! But to truly stand in your worth, you need to speak your peace and let them have their own thoughts about it, even if they might not approve. It’s not your job to manage this!

Decide On Your Parameters

Before you continue to the next step, put a plan in place for yourself. What will happen if someone ignores or violates your boundary?

For example, if you told your friend not to come by unexpectedly, what will you do if they still do so? There’s not a right or wrong answer here. But it’s important that you know how to take action ahead of time. Many times people won’t take you seriously unless you have an action to follow up with.

Communicate Clearly (Where Needed)

Sometimes a boundary is something you set for yourself (time boundaries, for example). But many times, boundary work involves other people. In these situations, it’s crucial to verbally express your boundaries, especially with those you love the most.

Sometimes a simple “no” or “no thanks” is enough. Other times, a more detailed explanation using the formula “This is my boundary, and here’s why it’s important to me” can be effective. (Don’t forget to mention the consequence!)

Again, remember those who truly love you and respect you will want to make sure you’re safe. It can be scary to bring this up if you’re conflict adverse, but ultimately it’s for everyone’s benefit.

Manage Your Expectations

Recognize that others might not always agree with your boundaries, but their feelings are not your responsibility. If it’s a dynamic that has been happening in your life for a long time, be mentally prepared for some pushback. This is typically less about people disrespecting you and usually more about people’s reluctance to change. While you might need to be flexible at first, be prepared to act on your consequence eventually.

In the end, remember that the people who have the biggest problem with your boundaries are the people who benefit the most from you not having them.

Practice Makes Progress

Boundary setting is a skill. If you’re new to this work, remember it takes practice to get good at it. If you struggle with even the idea of setting boundaries, please be gentle with yourself for this journey. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks; learn and improve over time. Keep checking in with what you need to feel safe and remember that having needs doesn’t make you a bad person. Over time, advocating for yourself will become easier.

Remember: Setting boundaries is an ongoing process. It takes courage and practice, but ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Power Of Saying No

No is a complete sentence. When it comes to setting boundaries, many times simply saying “no” is enough. You don’t need to justify yourself or explain what’s going on.

Again, this might be challenging for you if you were raised in a home where you weren’t allowed to say no. But it’s never too late to learn how to challenge that toxic mindset and learn how to ask for what you need.

My best advice is to start practicing by saying no in low-stakes situations (like someone asking for change on the street, for example). Over time, you can strengthen your “no” muscle enough to feel strong enough to use it with your kids, partner, parents, or whoever!

The Cost of Not Setting Boundaries

While enforcing boundaries might lead to conflict, not doing so has consequences too. You sacrifice your own well-being and allow others to disrespect your limits. Remember: when you put everyone else first, you put yourself last. Your needs matter, even if you were taught that your boundaries didn’t matter as a child.

 

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Ready to work through your boundaries with the help of a therapist? Try out BetterHelp for convenient, affordable therapy you can start at home today.

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Final Thoughts

Boundaries are something that will help you become your best self, in every area of your life. The scarier boundary work seems the more you need it! Boundary setting is an important life skill. But if you didn’t learn it as a child, it’s not too late to learn it now. By understanding and enforcing your boundaries, you get to be happier and more authentic while creating healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

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