What Is Trauma Bonding?

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you know you’re not being treated well but you just can’t seem to walk away? Perhaps you break up and get back together over and over and even though the lows are devastating, you keep chasing the fleeting sweetness of the highs.

If that sounds familiar, you might be experiencing trauma bonding: an intense emotional attachment that forms between an abuser and their victim. (And yes, emotional abuse counts!)

This dynamic is typically between might be a romantic partner, but it could also happen with a parent, or even a close friend. If a person in your life alternates between treating you abusively then showering you with attention, a powerful bond can result.

You might think having a bond with another person is a positive thing. But trauma bonding is more like an addiction that keeps you suffering in a dysfunctional relationship.

Over time, a trauma bond can reduce your self-esteem and lead to unwanted mental health issues. That’s why it’s important to identify whether you’re in this type of relationship and if so, take steps to break this bond.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where a person forms a strong emotional attachment to someone who is abusive, manipulative, or otherwise treats them poorly.

This counterintuitive bond can make it extremely difficult for victims to leave toxic or abusive relationships, even when they recognize the harmful dynamics at play.

Trauma bonds are not just found in romantic relationships. They can happen between family members, friends, and even coworkers.

This bond is forged through affection alternating with abuse. The contrast between the two makes the affection seem more valuable and leaves the person hanging on for the next outpouring of positive reinforcement.

Depending on the type of abuse you’re experiencing, you might not feel safe leaving or self-advocating. According to research, victims of intimate partner violence develop bonds with their abusers to survive the abuse.

So instead of fighting back or fleeing, you focus on the good parts of the relationship and ignore the rest. You rationalize the fact that you’ve stayed by making excuses on behalf of your abuser.

This sets you up for a repeated pattern of disregarding abuse. You become habituated to the relationship dynamic and increasingly powerless to leave.

What Trauma Bonding Is Not

The phrase trauma bonding has become very popular recently, but it’s also frequently used to describe things that aren’t actually trauma bonding. Here are two examples:

A trauma bond is not the push-pull dance between anxious and avoidant attachments

Example: always chasing after someone who doesn’t treat you well, etc.

This type of relationship isn’t automatically trauma bonding, although it definitely can be.

A trauma bond is not bonding over shared trauma

Example: talking with your coworkers about your toxic work environment

This is just normal bonding, even if the situation you’re experiencing together is toxic.

Key Aspects of Trauma Bonding

Cycle of abuse

Trauma bonds typically include a repeating cycle of tension, incident, and reconciliation.

Intermittent reinforcement

Abusers may mix cruel behavior with occasional kindness (This creates a powerful psychological pull.)

Power imbalance

There’s typically a significant power differential, with the abuser holding more control.

Intensity of emotions

The relationship produces extreme highs and lows, mimicking addiction.

Isolation

Victims are often isolated from support systems, increasing dependence on the abuser.

Cognitive dissonance

Victims may struggle to reconcile their attachment with the reality of the abuse or always have to justify staying to themselves.

Signs & Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

How do you know if you are trauma bonded? Here are some key signs:

You constantly excuse or cover your abuser’s behavior, eg. “They’re only yelling at me because they are tired.”
You feel a strong sense of loyalty to the abuser, even when they hurt you
You defend their behavior to others
You’re afraid to leave the relationship (even though you know it’s toxic) because you believe no one else will love you
You experience intense emotions like fear, guilt, and confusion
You downplay the severity of the abuse
You feel responsible or blame yourself for the abuser’s actions
You experience intense longing for the abuser when apart
You feel like you owe them something
You hide your true feelings around them
You distance yourself from people who question the health of your relationship
You change your thinking or style to match theirs

Examples of Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonding is not just for romantic relationships! It can also happen between:

A child and an abusive caregiver or another adult
A hostage and kidnapper (aka “Stockholm Syndrome”)
The leader and members of a cult

Maybe you have a combative spouse who is overly critical and finds a way to blame their problems on you. They might be jealous and suspicious of you and try to control you. This could be a trauma bond.

Maybe you have a parent with narcissistic traits who takes credit for your achievements while criticizing most of what you do. They may be temperamental and use bullying tactics. But at the same time, they bought you whatever you asked for while you were growing up.

Or maybe you have a friend who seems to think highly of you but abandons you when other friends are around. You’ve heard your friend has told lies about you and spread unkind rumors. They apologize and treat you like their best friend again, until the next round of abandonment and gossip.

Understanding the Trauma Bonding Cycle

The cycle of trauma bonding typically involves these stages:

Love Bombing

The abuser showers the victim with affection, compliments, and gifts. This creates a sense of security and intense love.

Tension Building

The abuser begins to exhibit controlling behaviors, criticism, or anger. The victim feels confused and walks on eggshells.

Abuse

The abuse escalates, with the abuser resorting to verbal, emotional, or physical violence. The victim feels scared and isolated.

Reconciliation

The abuser apologizes, promises to change, and reverts back to the loving behavior from the beginning. The victim feels hopeful and believes the abuse was a one-time incident.

Repetition

This cycle repeats itself, creating a confusing and manipulative dynamic. The victim becomes dependent on the abuser’s sporadic moments of affection, making it difficult to leave the relationship.

Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen? / Why is Trauma Bonding So Powerful?

There are a few underlying factors, which make it difficult for people in trauma bonds to break free.

As always, the clues to our trauma bonds typically come from our childhoods. Often, we subconsciously replicate situations that we experienced as children–even if those experiences were not great. If you grew up in a home that offered little emotional support, then you’re much more likely to accept that type of behavior in your partnerships as an adult. (The same thing applies to abuse, emotional neglect, etc.)

Another reason it’s so difficult to break free is the freeze trauma response. When you face abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse, your brain recognizes the impending distress and sends a warning to the rest of your body. Adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) flood in, jump-starting your survival instinct and triggering emotional and physical tension.

It’s also important to understand that neurotransmitters like dopamine play a huge part in this dynamic. The most addictive pattern in the world is intermittent reinforcement. Yes! The hot/cold displays of affection in a trauma bond are awfully similar to the rush from playing a slot machine.

Similarly, we can also get addicted to the oxytocin we receive after physical affection. Both of these factors mean that breaking up with someone can feel like going through withdrawal from an addiction.

How To Heal From A Trauma Bond Relationship

If you recognize these signs in yourself, know that you’re not alone. Here are some steps to break free from a trauma bond:

Focus On Reality

The reality of a trauma bond is that this person is choosing to devalue you and abuse you over and over again.

However, people in trauma bonds (or abusive relationships in general) often have problems seeing this truth. Focusing on what’s real instead of staying in fantasy or limerence is essential for the healing process.

Focus on their actions, not on their words or on the good times in the past. Anyone can promise you anything. But what really matters is what they do. Keep a diary if you find this difficult.

Please give yourself grace if this is you. People who grew up in emotionally or physically abusive households are more likely to do this. They grew up telling themselves their parent loved them while they abused them, so in a way they are used to his type of behavior. (Of course, it’s never their fault though!)

Educate Yourself On Trauma Bonding and/or Abuse

Simply reading this post and learning about the cycle of trauma bonding can help you to identify what’s actually happening to you.

Understanding abuse can also shed some light on the situation. Not all abuse is physical! Some types are more difficult to identify.

There are several kinds of non-physical abuse, some of which include:

Verbal abuse, such as name-calling
Emotional abuse, like gaslighting
Economic abuse, when an abuser takes complete control of their spouse’s money
Identity abuse, like threatening to out someone as LGBTQ+ against their wishes

Spotting these types of abuse is an important step in breaking your trauma bond.

Reach Out For Support

Many times in toxic relationships, we feel isolated either through our own shame or because our abuser has actually isolated us. However, you deserve to have support around you. Start to reach out to trusted friends and family. Even if you don’t share your whole story with them yet, it’s essential to lean on your family or community at this time.

Start Prioritizing Yourself

Many times, we lose ourselves in toxic relationships by constantly prioritizing our partner. It’s time to step back a bit and claim some time for yourself. What do you really want and need right now? It might seem impossible to think about it right now, but with some practice you can get back in touch with what’s the best for you. (This also helps to reduce your dependency on them.)

Practice Positive Self-Talk

Being in a trauma bond relationship can lead to lower self-esteem over time. Positive self-talk and recognizing when you’re being overly negative toward yourself can help you to raise your self-worth. This may also give you the confidence you need to leave the situation.

Create Distance or Develop Your Escape Plan

Make a plan for how you will leave the relationship safely. This complexity of this step will vary from situation to situation, ranging from simply blocking them to having to move out of the family home.

Again, don’t be afraid to lean on friends or family, or to reach out to a hotline if it’s an emergency. There are people out there who will help you.

Healing from a trauma bond takes time and support. Be patient with yourself and remember that you deserve a safe and healthy relationship.

Professional Help

There is never a justification for abuse.

Recognizing abuse for what it is rather than internalizing mistreatment is an important first step. But often professional help is what you need the most.

Therapy

Breaking free from trauma bonding often requires professional help and a strong support system. Therapy can help victims understand the dynamics at play, process their experiences, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Trauma therapy may enable you to heal from the abuse you’ve experienced and extract yourself from the trauma bond you share with your abuser.

Reaching out for support from a trauma-informed therapist can also help. BetterHelp is a great place to start if you’re on a budget.

Additional Resources

If you need immediate support or further information on abuse or trauma bonding, consider reaching out to these resources:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
MentalHealth.gov

Remember, you are not powerless. Help is available, and you can break free from this cycle.

Trauma Bonding FAQ

Can you trauma bond with a narcissist?

Yes! A trauma bond with a narcissist might look like cycles of love bombing followed by devaluation and discard. Yet the partner cannot bring themselves to leave the situation.

Can trauma bond become true love? / Can a trauma bond be fixed?

While it’s impossible to give one clear cut answer to this question, most of the time, the answer is no. True love requires respect and support–something most abusers are not capable of.

However, if your partner is not abusing you and is open to change, then maybe you can work on things together. Just be sure to keep your eyes on reality–not on empty promises or memories of the past.

How long do trauma bonds last?

Trauma bonds can last a lifetime. They typically span the entire relationship, until either the abuser gets bored and moves on or the victim pulls away and begins healing.

Trauma Bonding: Final Thoughts

Trauma bonding can seem impossible to leave or heal from. But please know you’re not alone! And the situation isn’t as hopeless as it seems. There’s a lot you can do to get out and get on a path to healing. Your Future Self will thank you for it.