Why Anxious and Avoidants Are Attracted (& How To Deal)

Have you ever been in an anxious attachment / avoidant attachment relationship?

I have–even though I didn’t know it at the time. And it sucked.

I know what it feels like from the anxious side: the more insecure you feel, the more you try to get closer to your partner–only to have them pull away even more and more.

At the time, I just thought I was doing something wrong or that something was wrong with me. However, now I know that wasn’t the case at all.

It was just that our particular attachment styles were basically perfectly designed first to attract and then repel each other.

People with anxious attachment styles crave emotional connection and reassurance. They often feel insecure in relationships, fearing abandonment and rejection.

On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment styles tend to prioritize independence and emotional distance. They may struggle with intimacy and vulnerability.

Surprisingly, these seemingly opposite personalities can be powerfully drawn to each other. Today we’re exploring why anxious and avoidant individuals are attracted to each other and the challenges they face in building a lasting relationship.

What Is An Attachment Style?

Attachment styles are created by our early childhood experiences. But even though that was a long time ago, they can still significantly influence our adult relationships. Research by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth identified three primary insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (a mixture).

Anxious individuals often crave closeness and reassurance, fearing abandonment. They may come from caregiving environments marked by inconsistency.

Conversely, avoidant individuals prioritize independence and emotional distance. Their childhood experiences likely involved caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Attract Each Other

The dynamic push-pull between anxious and avoidants is typically tense. The anxious person’s pursuit of connection can complement the avoidant person’s need for space, creating a push-pull relationship. This pattern often stems from unconscious attempts to fulfill unmet childhood needs.

This magnetic attraction stems from a subconscious desire to validate our negative story about ourself. Anxious individuals may seek relationships that reinforce their belief of being “too much,” while avoidants might attract partners who confirm their “not enough” narrative. That’s exactly why these partnerships can feel so magnetic and toxic at the same time.

The Anxious Partner’s Desire for Connection

Individuals with anxious attachment styles often experience a deep need to feel loved, seen, and valued. They may constantly worry about losing their partner’s affection, leading them to misinterpret initial attention as a sign of lasting commitment.

The Avoidant Partner’s Craving for Experience

For avoidant partners, emotions can be overwhelming. They might struggle with intimacy and closeness, often keeping their feelings at bay. However, the intensity of an anxious partner’s emotions can provide a vicarious experience, allowing them to connect with their own emotions from a distance.

The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

The relationship dynamic between anxious attachments and avoidant attachments is rarely sustainable.

The anxious partner’s constant need for reassurance can overwhelm the avoidant partner, leading to withdrawal. Conversely, the avoidant partner’s emotional distance can intensify the anxious partner’s fears. This cyclical behavior creates a stressful and unstable relationship.

The Push-Pull Dynamic

The initial attraction between anxious and avoidant partners can quickly morph into a frustrating cycle. The anxious partner’s need for reassurance can trigger the avoidant partner’s desire for space, leading to a push-pull dynamic that leaves both feeling unfulfilled.

Communication Breakdown

With different emotional needs, communication can become a hurdle. The anxious partner’s constant need for validation might be misinterpreted as nagging by the avoidant partner, while the avoidant partner’s silence can be seen as indifference by the anxious partner.

Emotional Overload

The intensity of emotions in an anxious-avoidant relationship can be overwhelming for both partners. The anxious partner’s constant worry and the avoidant partner’s emotional suppression can create a volatile environment.

How To Create Secure Attachment In Anxious/Avoidant Relationships

In an ideal world, you would only seek out love a securely attached partner. However, that’s not always possible!

If you want to stay in your anxious-avoidant relationship, aim to build secure attachment in both partners. Ultimately, secure attachments foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships and there’s a lot that each individual can do to achieve that.

With effort and commitment, anxious and avoidant partners can learn to develop a more secure attachment style. This involves learning to express your needs effectively, setting healthy boundaries, and creating a safe space for emotional intimacy.

If one partner is unwilling to change, seeking individual therapy can be beneficial. However, feeling like you’re carrying the burden of the entire relationship is not a great place to be! Be honest about whether this relationship is truly healthy.

Read on for more tips on how to turn this dynamic from a chaotic whirlwind into a healthy and supportive partnership:

Understand Each Attachment Style’s Needs

Recognizing your own attachment style and your partner’s can shed light on your communication patterns and emotional triggers.

First, focus on understanding your own attachment style and its impact on your behavior. Are you reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself?

Then aim to understand more about your partner. When you feel that they are acting out, what’s the core fear or need underneath the behavior?

Create Empathy

Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Their needs are just as important as yours! Try to see things from their attachment style’s point of view. What do they really want or need in this moment? Look beneath the surface to their true fears.

Aim For Open and Honest Communication

Honest and open communication is crucial for any relationship, but especially for anxious-avoidant couples. Sharing your feelings and needs openly and without judgment can help create understanding.

Express your feelings honestly and respectfully, using “I” statements. (Not “you”.) Then validate your partner’s experiences, even if it feels wrong or scary at first.

Compromise

Relationships shouldn’t be a power struggle! Stop trying to be “right” or to convince your partner to do things your way. Instead, try to find a balance between your needs and your partner’s. Negotiate solutions that work for both of you.

Seek Professional Help

While there’s much you can do to create a more secure attachment style, sometimes the best course of action is to seek out the help of a professional.

A therapist can provide valuable guidance in navigating the complexities of an anxious-avoidant relationship. They can help you develop healthy communication skills and tools for managing your emotions.

That might mean couples therapy or individual counseling to gain tools for managing attachment-related challenges.

Ready to heal your attachment style with the help of a therapist? Try out BetterHelp for convenient, affordable therapy you can start at home today.

Final Thoughts

With some effort and commitment, anxious and avoidant attachments can come together in harmony. This journey requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow. Ultimately, it’s about creating a safe space for both partners to heal and evolve–a goal each party should be able to get behind.

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