10 Steps To Go From Anxious to Secure Attachment

Did you know there steps you can take to go from anxious to secure attachment?

One of the best realizations I’ve had during my self-healing journey is that we are not set in stone. Case in point: you can change your attachment style as an adult and go from anxious to secure attachment.

As someone who’s lived on both sides, I can tell you secure attachment is well worth the effort. So today I’m sharing some of the best tips to help you do this for yourself!

Understanding the Anxious Attachment Style

People with anxious attachment often find themselves preoccupied with their partners’ thoughts and actions, neglecting their own needs. This preoccupation stems from a deep-rooted insecurity and fear of abandonment. Healing requires you to shift focus from external validation to internal self-worth.

Signs of Anxious Attachment

Identifying the signs of anxious attachment is crucial for personal growth. Here are some common signs:

• Strong desire for intimacy paired with fear of abandonment
• Low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and constant need for reassurance
• Needing constant reassurance of love and affection
• Difficulty setting boundaries
• People-pleasing behavior
• Difficulty being alone
• Jealousy and possessiveness in relationships
• Difficulty communicating needs for fear of being seen as demanding

How To Go From Anxious Attachment To Secure Attachment

The good news is that anxious attachment isn’t a life sentence. Here are some steps to cultivate a more secure attachment style:

So, how do we foster this coveted sense of security? Let’s explore ten strategies:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

Start by understanding the dynamics of anxious attachment. This can give you a lot of clarity about how your own thoughts and behaviors are sabotaging your happiness.

After you’ve done some reading, start to reflect on your own patterns and relationship history. Do you have repeating patterns or dynamics? While a relationship is always the responsibility of two people, it’s very useful to see we played an active role.

Finally, reflect back on your early childhood experiences. Where did your insecurity stem from? How are you repeating those patterns now?

2. Practice Self-Regulation

Anxious attachment style is often compounded by an overworked nervous system. If you’ve gone into fight-flight-or-freeze, your first priority should be regulating yourself.

Learn more about polyvagal theory and how to regulate right here!

Additionally, adding activities like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help to calm your nervous system down, even when you’re not triggered. Try adding a few of these tools to your routine to make a big difference.

3. Learn from Securely Attached Individuals

Surrounding yourself with securely attached individuals can help you learn healthy relationship dynamics. Even if they’re not trying to teach you, they are showing your subconscious mind what’s possible. Pick a few people you know IRL and try to observe: How do they communicate? Say no? Ask for what they want? Handle rejection?

Humans are very monkey see monkey do! So simply observing healthy people can go a long way to help you shift into a secure attachment style.

4. Speak Up

One hallmark of anxious attachment style is feeling unable to ask for what you want or need. Enter: being a doormat or people-pleaser in relationships.

The cure? Start speaking up for yourself. Yes, it’s scary at first! But with a little practice you can prove to your subconscious mind that the world will not end if you ask for what you want.

5. Practice Secure Behaviors

Addressing your “bad” anxious attachment behaviors is crucial to healing. The self-work is also important but so is addressing how you act–especially in your relationships.

So make a list of your anxious attachment behaviors. Then ask yourself: what else could I do instead? For example, if you tend to over-text while feeling ignored, maybe you go for a walk instead…without your phone!

6. Challenge Your Stories & Beliefs

It’s always illuminating to differentiate between the facts of any situation and the story in your mind. For those of us with anxious attachment styles, we tend to make dramatic stories and catastrophize. (“He didn’t text me back! I bet he’s cheating!”)

Make it a habit to ask yourself: is this really true? Do I have proof? If you don’t, ask yourself: what else could be possible right now? Simply being able to see that the worst might not actually be happening can give you so much peace.

7. Set Boundaries

After learning to communicate, comes boundaries. Boundaries are crucial for everyone including you. So think about it: what are some boundaries you need to set? What have you been letting slide for much too long?

You deserve to protect your peace. If you struggle with this, check out our guide for setting boundaries right here!

8. Heal Your Inner Child

You’ve already considered where your attachment issues might have stemmed from. Let’s take it a step further by communicating with that Wounded Inner Child of yours that still exists somewhere within you.

As a child, you were helpless to get your needs met anywhere other than your primary caretakers. As an adult, you have much more control over your life. Use that fact to soothe those old wounds.

To do this, try a simple visualization exercise. Imagine yourself as a child, feeling alone and vulnerable. Then, picture your adult self offering them comfort, understanding, and love. Even though it’s “just” in your mind, this process can be deeply healing and transformative.

While this practice can be incredibly beneficial, it might be challenging to do alone. Consider trying a guided meditation or seeking support from a therapist to facilitate this process.

9. Building Self-Belief with Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements that can help shift your mindset and build self-confidence. By repeating affirmations consistently, you can gradually rewire your brain to believe in your own worth and capabilities.

Here are some examples of affirmations for secure attachment:

I am safe and loved.
I am worthy of happiness and healthy relationships.
I trust myself and my abilities.
I communicate my needs openly and honestly.
I am grateful for the love and support in my life.

Remember, affirmations are a tool, and their effectiveness varies from person to person. If affirmations don’t resonate with you, don’t force it. There are many other ways to build self-esteem and resilience.

10. Find a Secure Partner

I’m listing this one last because it’s not always a cure-all. People with anxious attachment can still feel insecure and triggered inside a relationship with a secure person.

However, this dynamic can also shine a spotlight directly on the drama we create in our own mind. When your partner is supportive and connected, it will hopefully help prove to your subconscious patterns that they don’t need to go into overdrive.

Of course, finding that secure partner is easier said than done, right? But research suggests that being in a healthy, secure relationship can rewire our attachment style. If you’re dating, it’s well-worth putting in the effort of finding that secure person. (And at the very least, avoid those avoidant attachments as much as possible!)

Don’t Be Afraid To Seek Out Professional Support

Therapy or coaching can provide a safe space to unpack past experiences and develop new coping mechanisms. Therapy can provide valuable tools and guidance in understanding and overcoming anxious attachment patterns.

Find a professional in your area to work with one-on-one. Or (if you’re not ready to make the leap) try out a convenient and affordable therapy service like BetterHelp to get started.

You Can Feel Secure

Remember, your attachment style is not your fault! But it is your responsibility to change it. These steps to go from anxious to secure attachment will help you get there.

By addressing the root causes of anxious attachment and implementing these strategies, it’s possible to develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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