20 Signs Of Secure Attachment Style
Wondering if you (or someone else) has a secure attachment style?
At first, it might seem impossible to figure out someone’s attachment style. (Or even your own!)
However, it’s not as opaque as you think! There are some definite signs of secure attachment style you can notice in yourself or others–even if the other person has never heard of attachment styles at all.
What Is An Attachment Style?
Have you ever heard the term “attachment style” but weren’t sure what it meant? Simply put, your attachment style is the way you connect with others in close relationships. It shapes how you view intimacy, trust, and independence.
Attachment styles develops from your childhood experiences. For example, if you had a parent who ignored your bids for attention, you might have developed an anxious attachment style.
Learn more about attachment styles right here!
What Is Secure Attachment?
A secure attachment style is the healthiest of all attachment styles! Think: calm confidence and high self-worth–no losing yourself in relationships (anxious) or feeling uncomfortable with intimacy (avoidant). This style is naturally secure and trusting relationships.
It’s thought that about 60% of adults are thought to have a secure attachment style. Creating secure attachment (whether in childhood or as an adult) lays a strong foundation for your relationships and contributes to your overall well-being.
Why Recognizing Secure Attachment Is Important
There are a couple of reasons why being able to recognize signs of secure attachment is important.
First, it’s important to understand what secure attachment for your own healing journey. If you know what it is, you can begin to work towards it. It’s not enough to know that you simply feel anxious in relationships or have people-pleasing traits. It’s also important to understand what healthy qualities look like so you can begin to emulate them.
Learn more about how to create secure attachment right here!
Second, it can also come in handy if you’re in the dating world. If you’re an anxious attachment style, you’ve probably dated more than your fair share of avoidant attachments. So it’s time to break the cycle and look for a secure attachment instead. Understanding these signs will help you notice them in potential partners.
20 Signs Of A Secure Attachment Style
1. They have a healthy sense of self-worth
Secure people have a healthy sense of both self-esteem and self-worth. They inherently believe they’re worthy of love and respect and are unlikely to tolerate situations or people who don’t reflect that.
2. They have a positive view of others
Secure attachment styles are generally not haters! They mostly trust people and believe they have good intentions.
3. They’re comfortable with intimacy
Secure attachments feel comfortable being close to others both, emotionally and physically. They won’t run away after things get too close and will also be the ones to initiate intimacy.
4. They’re authentically themselves
Securely attached people have a clear understanding of who they are and what they want in life. They’re not living their life for someone else or endlessly chasing someone else’s approval or validation.
5. They have healthy communication
Secure attachment styles feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires. They don’t inherently fear rejection which allows them to communicate openly and honestly.
6. They can emotionally regulate themselves
Secure people are able manage their emotions in a healthy way. They definitely don’t rely on others to regulate for them nor do they explode and swear, punch walls, etc.
7. They’re great at conflict resolution
Disagreements and even arguments are a normal part of relationships. But secure people are able to navigate their way through them in a constructive way. Their disagreements don’t push partners away. Most of the time they offer an opportunity to get to know their partner better.
8. They have healthy boundaries
Secure people know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships. They’re using them only when necessary to protect themselves and not in some weird Jonah Hill-controlling sort of way.
Read more about how to set healthy boundaries here!
9. They trust and respect their partner
Secure attachments naturally trust their partner and respect their thoughts and feelings. They’re not getting overly jealous when you hang out with other people or snooping through someone’s phone.
10. They’re supportive and encouraging
Secure people are not threatened by other people’s success–especially not their partner’s! They’re not going to sulk or start punishing their partners for succeeding. Quite the contrary! Instead, they will be their partners biggest supporters.
11. They’re comfortable being alone
Secure people are great at entertaining themselves. They don’t need to fill up their calendar with social dates in order to not feel lonely. They’re comfortable spending time alone and don’t feel lonely easily. In fact, they might value that alone time immensely!
12. They enjoy time with others
Even if they do enjoy alone time, securely attached people also enjoy spending time with friends and loved ones. They generally feel enriched by these connections, not stressed out or anxious.
13. They balance autonomy and connection
Secure people strike a natural balance of independence and interdependence. They naturally balance their need for autonomy with their desire for connection.
14. They Feel Secure
Securely attached people use their relationships as a safe place from which to explore the world. They don’t have to isolate themselves with their partner to feel secure. They’re able to pursue their own interests and to grow independently of their partner, confident in the fact that their partner will still be there no matter what. (And vice versa!)
15. They can cope with challenges
Life is challenging at times! But secure people can roll with it. They understand that challenges and setbacks are normal and they approach them in a healthy way. They don’t make unexpected or negative events mean something bad about them.
16. They’re flexible
While some people think that rigidness is a sign of strength, secure people know the power of flexibility. They’re adaptable and can quickly adjust to change. They won’t try to cling to the past out of fear.
17. They’re open to feedback
Feedback and even criticism doesn’t phase a secure person. They’re open to feedback from others and genuinely see it as an opportunity to grow. They don’t automatically take criticism as an attack on their person.
18. They’re lifelong learners
Secure people aren’t afraid to admit what they don’t know. Nor are they afraid to learn something new and face that awkward beginner phase. They’re committed to lifelong learning and personal growth, and that includes growing inside their personal relationships.
19. They display emotional intelligence
Securely attached people have a high degree of emotional intelligence. That means they understand both their own emotions and the emotions of others.
20. They bounce back from setbacks quickly
Life will hand everyone a sh*t sandwich now and again! But how you deal with it is everything. No, we don’t always get to pick our external circumstances. Someone will dump you, you’ll get laid off, etc. But secure people can recover and move on, rather than dwelling on the unfairness of it all or the pain that they went through.
Ready to create a more secure attachment style with the help of a therapist? But can’t quite afford to pay the full price? Try out BetterHelp for convenient, affordable therapy you can start at home.
So what did you think? Do you recognize any signs of secure attachment in yourself or your partner/potential partner? What traits do you want to create in yourself?
Signs Of Secure Attachment Final Thoughts
Remember, attachment styles exist on a spectrum and people can change (if they want to). Many times people don’t perfectly fit into one category. So use this guide as a jumping off point but be open to change. Your attachment style is not a life sentence!
Whether you’re using these signs of secure attachment as a goal for your own healing practice or as a way to recognize a secure partner while dating, I hope this guide has been helpful to you!
PS Looking for more? You might also want to check out how to create a secure attachment style, or 20 signs of anxious attachment style.
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