What Are Attachment Styles?

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to thrive in close relationships, while others struggle with intimacy or independence? Or perhaps no matter what you do, it seems like your partners are always pulling away from you.

The answer might lie in something called attachment styles. Attachment styles are lasting emotional patterns that influence how we connect with others, formed in our earliest relationships with caregivers.

Understanding attachment styles can be a powerful tool for self-awareness and improving your relationships.

In this post, we will explore the fascinating world of attachment styles, including:

The origins of attachment theory
The four main attachment styles
How attachment styles manifest in adult relationships
Strategies for developing a secure attachment style

The Roots of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory, developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, proposes that the quality of our early relationships with caregivers shapes how we connect with others throughout life. These early interactions create a mental blueprint for how we view ourselves, others, and the world.

Ainsworth’s research in the 1960s identified three primary attachment styles in infants based on their behaviors during a standardized separation-reunion procedure with their mothers:

Secure attachment

These infants felt comfortable exploring their environment knowing their caregiver was a safe haven to return to for comfort and reassurance.

Anxious attachment

These infants showed distress when their mother left and were hesitant or ambivalent upon her return.

Avoidant attachment

These infants displayed little or no distress when their mother left and showed minimal or no desire for contact upon her return.

The Four Attachment Styles in Adults

While initially developed to understand infant behavior, attachment theory has been extended to explain adult attachment styles. These styles reflect how we behave in close relationships, particularly romantic partnerships. Let’s explore the four main adult attachment styles:

Secure Attachment (30% of Adults)

Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust their partners, communicate openly, and are supportive. They’re comfortable with expressing their needs, desires, and emotions and feel confident that their partner will be there for them.

Anxious Attachment (20% of Adults)

Also known as preoccupied attachment, this style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance. People with this style might crave closeness but become anxious or clingy when their partner pulls away. They may misinterpret neutral cues as signs of rejection and struggle to trust their partners fully.

Think: starting to freak out when your partner doesn’t text back immediately, reaching out right after a date (because you’re freaking out), or demanding constant reassurance from your partner.

Avoidant Attachment (23% of Adults)

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. They may downplay their emotions, have difficulty getting close to others, and fear intimacy. The avoidant style might also dismiss emotional needs or push partners away when things get serious.

Think: the guy that dumps everyone after three dates, has a perfect ideal that no one ever lives up to, or only goes for casual hookups.

Disorganized Attachment or Fearful Avoidant (17% of Adults)

This is the least common and most complex attachment style. It’s often linked to a childhood experience of neglect or abuse. People with this style might have a confusing mix of behaviors, craving intimacy but fearing it at the same time. They might experience intense emotions and struggle with forming stable relationships.

It’s important to remember that attachment styles are not rigid categories. Many people exhibit characteristics of more than one style. Your attachment style can also evolve over time through self-healing practices and positive experiences in relationships.

How Attachment Styles Play Out in Adult Relationships

Attachment styles can significantly impact how we navigate conflicts, express emotions, and manage intimacy in our relationships. Here are some examples:

Secure Attachment

During a disagreement, a securely attached person might calmly express their feelings and listen to their partner’s perspective. They are confident that the relationship can withstand conflict and are open to finding solutions together.

Anxious Attachment

When a partner seems distant, someone with an anxious attachment style might become overly worried or text incessantly for reassurance. This behavior can push the partner further away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Avoidant Attachment

If their partner expresses a need for intimacy, someone with an avoidant attachment style might change the subject, withdraw emotionally, or create physical distance. This can leave the partner feeling unloved and disconnected.

Disorganized Attachment

A person with a disorganized attachment style might experience intense jealousy or rage during a conflict. They might idealize their partner one moment and then lash out in anger the next. This unpredictability can make it difficult to build trust and maintain a stable relationship.

Cultivating a Secure Attachment Style

While our early experiences shape our attachment styles, the good news is that they are not set in stone. Everyone has the ability to create a more secure attachment style.

Want to learn how? Check out our guide to creating a secure attachment style here!